The Dog and the Boy Scout
by Akktri
Summary: A spinoff adventure in the Doctor Who universe following the final death of the Doctor.
1. Chapter 1: The stranger in the cave

The strange things all started to happen the weekend I took that trip to the Ozarks with the Scouts.

At first, everything was ordinary. We met at the Presbyterian church early that Saturday, moving camping supplies from the Scout room in the basement to the red-yellow pickup owned by Mike, one of my fellow assistant scoutmasters.

With all the tents, tarps, tools and other associated miscellany being hefted around by little kids, half of them still in transit to the Scout room, we didn't leave the old stone building until an hour later.

As usual, the turnout was low. We had Melvin, a skinny little boy that could easily be mistaken for an Ethiopian, we had Harvey, a plump brown faced kid whose uniform was too small for his enormous girth, Joey, a preppie kid with glasses (an odd fit for an inner city Scout troop) and Sam, a freckly redhead who had the honor of being the first boy in the troop to ever earn Faith and Family merit badge. It was a tight squeeze, but all four fit inside the pickup.

That left three leaders with empty cars, Kevin, the smartass, Mark, an older gentleman with a beat up yellow car, and me.

Okay, so I had a dog with me.

Zanie is my cairn terrier. She's an older dog, and she has a crushed trachea from the cruel jerk that abandoned her. She sat on the passenger seat, growling and wagging her tail as she stared at the pickup with the Scouts and the heavy set driver with the walrus mustache.

Soon we were off.

The trip to camp is always a free for all. The other drivers zoom on up ahead and ignore you if you get stuck at a stop light. Especially if you're behind Kevin. I kept up the best I could.

We left the city, rolling through the hilly Missouri countryside, Zanie nervously wagging her tail and growling as she gazed at the passing cattle and horse pastures.

We stopped at a rest stop halfway to the campground, wherein it was decided that Harvey had to ride with Mark because he farted too much and the other kids took offense, some with their fists.

A few minutes later, and we were at the campground.

We picked the area for its interesting caves and a swimming hole full of smooth, naturally formed boulders and deep pools that fed into little grottos and miniature caverns. It's a beautiful place, and a popular attraction during the summer.

The dog went crazy. When she tried to gnaw on someone (Zanie doesn't bite, but she tries real hard), I was forced to tie her to things.

To be fair, I did take her swimming with me, and took her into a few pools, but she kept trying to go after people, so I had to let her rest.

So that was all very fine and relaxing, and not very much happened, other than Harvey losing his swimming trunks and having to hide in the water a long time until I could bring him his towel.

It was later that day when things started getting weird.

Night had fallen. The boys were doing the normal Boy Scout thing and trying to cook burgers on dry wood found around the campsite, with varying degrees of success. Melvin was having a temper tantrum because he and Harvey couldn't keep their pitiful fire from fizzling out. Judging by the smell they were using green wood, which didn't help. Joey and Sam were doing better, which made them insufferably smug and somewhat insulting in their condescending remarks. I could only guess when the two teams would start fighting.

The leaders, of course, being wise sages of the Scouting tradition, were allowed to grill steaks on a charcoal grill. The kids picked their own menu, and learning how to make a fire is traditional, so I only felt slightly guilty. I sat in a lawn chair with Zanie, listening to the Chief's game on the radio.

All of a sudden, Zanie gets all squirmy. I think it's time for a potty break, so I take her out in the dark, hoping my steak will be ready when I return.

Suddenly, as I'm walking her, she gets a wild hair and starts growling and barking like crazy. She pulled and pulled against the leash, making me worry that she'd make her crushed trachea even worse. I never use choke chains, but I still worried she might strain herself.

Wanting to know what the source of the commotion was, I followed her leading, but then stopped when I reached the side of a wooded hill.

I decided enough was enough.

Figuring it to be a raccoon or a squirrel, I tried to steer her back to the camp, but then I tripped over a rock and fell on my face. I let go of the leash, of course.

Zanie is overweight, but she isn't slow. She got away from me, scampering off into the dark.

I had a flashlight, but the wind had picked up, and the dog was scurrying through mounds of brush and weeds that stood at exactly the same height, so it took me five minutes to pinpoint the location of the jingling dog tags.

They were stuck on a tangle of dead twigs. The dog had wiggled out of her collar somehow. I called for her, but she didn't come.

I ran after her, shoving my way through the brush, shouting in hopes that she'd return to me.

I caught sight of a fat little body as it disappeared under a bush.

Unthinkingly, I stomped ahead, and found no resistance beneath my feet. The weeds and brush had obscured a giant hole, and I had fallen right in.

I fell through the air a few feet, shielding my face just seconds before ramming headlong into a rock shelf, then I found myself somersaulting painfully over a myriad of shelves and boulders until my back slammed into a muddy cavern floor.

I blacked out for a whole minute.

When I awoke, I found myself in agonizing pain.

For some miraculous reason, I hadn't broken anything, but it sure felt like it.

As I lay there moaning and gingerly trying to roll over on my side, I found a dark hairy shape making crazy noises as it licked me all over my face.

While I groaned and pushed my furry friend away, the cave filled with a weird grinding noise. It sounded like someone trying to start a car with a dead battery, except slower, and it had sort of an unearthly ripping effect to it.

Up to that point, my only source of light had been the moon. That was, until I heard the noise. It was like a floodlight had been switched on with flickering theater lighting.

I eased myself into a sitting position as I struggled against the worst case of sciatica I've ever experienced, and I stared into the light.

Zanie growled, backing towards the mouth of the cave. I probably would have too, but I was too tired and in too much pain to move that fast. In fact, I thought the bright light was a sign I was dying, so I was mentally cashing in all my chips, contemplating the unworthiness of my own life.

Instead of seeing angels or a gate made out of an enormous pearl, I saw a box appear. A blue wooden box with a glowing light on top and glowing windows.

As the thing gained definition, the light faded to the point where I saw nothing but a set of square glowing holes cut into the inky blackness.

The door thundered open with shocking suddenness, and my eyes were temporarily blind from whatever source of illumination there was inside the thing.

Through the haze, I could see the figure of a man in a suit staggering out the opening. Since I always wondered whether or not the afterlife was exactly like they said it was, I got to wondering if this was some dead relative coming to visit me, or maybe take me away to the afterlife.

Instead of doing either of these things, he collapsed on the ground.

I stumbled to my feet and leaned over this stranger, trying to piece together the scenario with a dizzy aching head.

In the light of the doorway, I could make out details, but none of it made any sense.

The man wore a blood soaked pinstriped vest, a suit coat and slacks. Brown, not the industry black and white. Off the bat, I guessed the man were either somewhat well to do, or crazy. The man had gray hair and a weathered face, and his fist clutched a shiny silver cylinder with a glowing green knob on one end.

I have First Aid Merit Badge, but that doesn't make me a paramedic. Still, I thought I'd try to help the man any way I could.

Kneeling down, I pulled back his suit coat and saw a jagged piece of metal sticking out of his breast, right where his heart would be. Right away, I knew this guy was history. It was only out of courtesy that I dug out my cel phone.

The phone came out of my pocket as a useless piece of shattered plastic and electronic parts. I threw it against the wall in frustration.

My next plan was to climb out of the cave and run for help.

I tried to stand up, but I found the stranger's hand clamping down on my leg.

"Don't bother," he gurgled. "They removed my other heart on Wavrot 7." He coughed up blood. "No regenerations left. No lucky breaks. This is it. The end. Just me, a dog, and...a Boy Scout."

His hand shot up, clutching my arm. Even with the blood loss, it hurt, and he actually had enough strength to pull me down to the point where our noses touched.

"I saved them!" he shouted in my face. "I saved them all! No one died!"

And then he slumped on the ground, breathing no more.

"Saved from what?" I asked.

No one answered me.


	2. Chapter 2: Squid people

For a few minutes, I just stared at the dead stranger, wondering what I should do with him. He was too far gone for any sort of first aid or medical attention. Although I wanted to look at the blue box more closely, I decided I should instead go find someone to pick up the body.

I stood up, putting my hand to a rock shelf, but before I climbed the first step, I noticed a brilliant light filling the chamber.

Surprised, I spun around and suddenly found myself surrounded by a cluster of strange looking men with tan suits and tentacle faces.

They stood silently around the body in two perfect rows, their squid-like heads bowed in solemnity. Each one of these creatures held a glowing orb in their left hand, except for the odd `rightie' on the far end, dressed in khakis and a Hawaiian shirt.

Amused as I was about the mismatched squid, the others creeped me out so much that I wanted out of there, and fast.

The dog growled, backing into a corner, and I agreed with the sentiment. I grabbed her as quickly as I could, hefting myself onto a shelf.

"Stop!" I heard a voice shout.

I turned around and saw one of the brown suits pointing an orb at me.

"What!" I said. "What did I do?"

The stranger didn't reply.

Zanie barked at the thing. Well, as close to barking as she can manage.

"I won't tell a soul. I swear."

No answer.

"Can you at least tell me why you want me to stay? Am I your new protein source? Are you trying to cover up some grisly crime? What?"

In response, the entire group raised their orbs, pointing them threateningly at me.

"Come here," they called in unison.

These creatures didn't inspire much confidence, so I said no, climbing up higher.

"Come here!" the creatures shouted.

It did not come out of their mouths, wherever they were, but rather in my mind, and the combined effect of their unified shouting was like that of a migraine headache. I clutched my skull, curling up on the rock.

"Come here!" they repeated.

"I don't want to!" I yelled.

But then I was climbing back down, shuffling zombie-like towards their group, due to some form of mind control.

"Stand here," someone said, and I unthinkingly did so.

I saw a flash, and the whole cavern disappeared.


	3. Chapter 3: Pall Bearers

When the blinding light faded, and my eyes adjusted, I found myself standing on sort of a narrow plateau in the mountains somewhere. At first I thought I was in Utah or Colorado, but the sky didn't look right, kind of an off purple color, and the rocks didn't resemble anything I knew from geology class. In fact, directly across from me, I could see another cliff, and its supports were so spindly and weak looking that for the life of me I couldn't figure out how they stood at all.

The tentacle faced creatures still surrounded me, giving me looks that reminded me of illustrations of angry octupii you'd see in vintage books and rustic fish restaurants.

Hearing a pitiful whine, and something poking me, I looked down and saw my dog pawing on my leg. With a chuckle, I picked her up, though she weighed as much as a bowling ball.

These strangers had brought "Mr. Saved Them All's" body along with them, for reasons that were unclear to me. I assumed they were either burying a leader or carrying him off to their kitchen for a little teriyaki marinade. The thought made me want to bolt, but there wasn't anywhere to go.

Behind me was a precipice, to either side I saw a sheer drop, the bottom of which I couldn't even see due to the thick clouds of fog. I guessed it to be at least a couple thousand feet to the bottom, probably more. Directly ahead, where all the squid men were walking, seemed to be the only way.

I contemplated fleeing once the land spread out, but the giant ringed planet in the sky indicated that I still wouldn't have anywhere to go. Certainly not to my home.

The path led up a series of steps to a wider plateau, and a massive city made of what appeared to be silver and crystal. I could do nothing but walk, and stare at everything.

I never seriously believed that space aliens existed, so I figured I was dreaming or something, perhaps due to hitting my head on rocks. Due to this reasoning, I just went along with these weirdos and hoped the other scoutmasters would wake me in time for breakfast.

The body was supported not by a wheelbarrow or their hands, but a pair of metal devices that suspended him a couple feet above the ground. The visual reinforced my thought of it all being a dream. That and the absolute silence of the entire affair.

We walked for a quarter of a mile, crossing another plateau and climbing rock shelves until we reached a wide rock staircase that stretched higher than the other one.

Ordinarily, I have to drop Zanie after carrying her overweight butt a couple blocks, but for some reason my arms felt stronger in that strange place, probably due to reduced gravity or something, so I made it a lot further before having to set her down. Not quite at the stairs, but in sight of them.

At the top of the staircase, I found a cathedral like structure, a tall chrome and glass thing with huge doors and a plethora of abstract decorations.

As we approached, the doors slowly swung open, and I was staring at a mob of weird unearthly creatures in black outfits.

I saw a dragon lady, a fat blue guy, a female thing with a bird face and a tail, a nun with a cat face, and a bunch of other crazy things. They all looked sad as we approached, even a rather stern looking potato headed guy in a robot suit seemed to be in mourning.

The funerary theme seemed to indicate that I wasn't to be served with a sprig of parsley, so I relaxed a bit, wondering why I got invited to this wake...or whatever it was. It baffled me why such a gruesome corpse was being displayed in such a way at a funeral, but I didn't bother mentioning it. I figured these folks were aliens or dream people, after all.

When I glanced at the body again, I noticed that the fellow no longer look like he'd been hit with a load of shrapnel, he was just a clean stiff in a suit. It was so preposterous that I pinched myself to make sure it wasn't some kind of nightmare brought on by the bologna sandwiches I had for lunch.

The place had no chairs, and it had the resemblance of a forest, but the tops of the trees were fluted and carved with strange symbols.

I checked for the dog and found her nervously hovering around my leg.

"That's a cute dog," said a young woman I instantly mistook for Christina Ricci. Black hair, dark, mysterious features, a tight fitting Victorian style funeral dress clinging around her slim shapely figure .

"Uh, yeah," I stammered. "Can you please tell me what the hell is going on? I'm really confused."

Instead of answering the question, she gave me this odd look and said, "I recognize you."

"Excuse me?" I said.

"I know you."

"No you don't," I said. "I've never been here before in my life."

"No no no," she said. "It's on the tip of my tongue..."

"Whatever," I said. "This is probably all a weird dream anyway, and I'm going to wake up with a scoutmaster spraying me in the face with a water pistol."

She snapped her fingers. "Facebook. You friended me on Facebook. How is that new job going?"

My jaw dropped.


	4. Chapter 4: Ms Papillon

I gawked at the female in disbelief. "Facebook."

She nodded.

"I friend everybody. I just click okay. I don't know half those people it says I know."

She shrugged. "Well now you do!" She offered her hand. "Jenny."

"Nick," I said.

She turned around to face the deceased.

I saw the squid people clearing a path through the crowd, levitating the corpse up a small staircase attached to a raised dais.

I watched them set him on top of a giant stone coffin, then turned to face my new acquaintance.

I still didn't understand the woman's calm detachment, nor did I understand what she was doing here if she didn't care about the guy, unless she had been brought there against her will like I was.

With these puzzles in mind, I tapped her on the shoulder. "Were you and this guy close?"

She suddenly looked glum. "We were friends, yes. We weren't romantically involved, but we were good friends, just the same."

I paused a moment. "You're taking it well."

She sighed. "He was always dying, or appearing to die. It was like the little boy who cried wolf. He appeared to die, he faked his death, he actually died and came back.

"He'd get shot, stabbed, thrown off a building or some other damn thing and then he'd get all glowy and his face would change. One moment he's dead, the next he's popping up with a new face, new body, right as rain. The first couple times, I actually cried, but then I stopped believing it."

She looked away. "This still doesn't seem real."

I had many more questions, but before I could get any of them answered, a hush fell over the crowd, apparently caused by the entry of a large robed creature with a head of a grasshopper, its face covered in brown and cream colored fur.

It looked like the love child of a squirrel and a praying mantis.

Between its furry antennas, the thing wore a Frisbee-like glowing disk on its head, like a beanie.

As the thing slowly hobbled towards the dais, I heard music.

Well, something that resembled music. It was mostly a bunch of atonal noise made with instruments I've never seen or heard before. It reminded me strangely of Captain Beefheart or Frank Zappa's Lumpy Gravy.

I saw a fair number of the funeralgoers swaying to this noise like it were Kumbaya or something, then I found a delicate looking hand grabbing mine, and a lobster-like claw reaching for the other.

Although the claw made me nervous, the red Komodo dragon beast attached to it didn't seem to be in a snappy mood, so I obliged it.

The song had foreign sounding words, which I heard passing from my female acquaintance, and the grunts of Crab Guy, but I couldn't understand a word of it.

As the crowd swayed and sang, I saw a green cyclops thing carrying in a standard bearing a giant gold wheel with bent spokes, reminding me of a sprinkler part. Behind this creature were two salamander things who waved around an incense that smelled like burning tires, old grease and stale Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers.

When the creature posted the standard behind the coffin, the furry bug waved a claw and the music stopped.

It coughed, and suddenly everybody was pulling out black Frisbees, placing them on their heads.

Of course I didn't have one.

I would have been content not to wear one, but, as the bug started chanting something I couldn't understand, Mr. Claws had a nice pink one for me to wear, so I grudgingly put it on.

The Frisbee thing was built like a graduation hat, so it didn't fall off your head.

Many of the attendants had black Frisbees, or dark colored ones, which made mine a bit embarrassing, but with the seeming unreality of it all, I was half expecting to see a caterpillar offering me a mushroom, so I took my embarrassment in stride, fully expecting to wake at any moment.

Following this, the bug touched its chest, somehow causing its robe to vanish.

"Naked we were born," it said. "Naked we depart. Mezrib."

I heard voices all around me repeating this statement, then suddenly I was surrounded by naked people. It was like a reverse of one of those "naked in public" dreams, or maybe a really good "public speaking" dreams.

They didn't undress or anything. Their clothes just vanished like they had only been illusions or something. Even Jenny, who had a butterfly shaped birthmark above her crack.

To avoid having impure thoughts, I kept my eyes on the corpse, the religious artifacts, and the strange mutants that either didn't have visible genitalia, or had reproductive organs that only inspired thoughts of interesting research papers.

I felt someone elbow me in the ribs.

"Disrobe!" I heard Jenny hiss.

"No," I said.

She turned to face me, looking very embarrassed and upset.

"Disrobe!" she hissed louder.

I told her no.

"Yes," she replied.

"Perhaps in other circumstances, but not here. Not around all these people," I said.

"May I remind you that they are naked people, and half of them are not even what you consider people, they are aliens. Now disrobe."

"No way, Ms. Papillon. I have standards."

Blank look. "What's Papillon."

"Forget it. Bottom line, I'm not doing it."

"Yes you are. And for a man of standards, your eyes keep moving downwards."

I looked up. "No. And not just no, hell no."

She let out an exasperated sigh. "You dishonor his memory."

"If I disrobe, I'd dishonor it even more!"

She rolled her eyes and turned her back to me.

"De-friend!" she muttered in disgust.

I tried not to examine her curvature, focusing my attention on the building's curvature instead. Ahem, yes. Focused elsewhere.

The bug pulled out a small tablet computer, reading from the screen.

"And the Giixas Qomcuk left the region of Cetoxt and the whole of Bonmab followed him, and they came to rest upon Sediri, they and their spacecraft.

"And in Sediri there was a temple, a temple of the Wacsis, and many of the Bonmab worshiped the gods of the Wacsis and the Jochup.

"And Vaare was angry because of this, and inflicted a horrible citmag upon the entire nation, so that many of them died.

"And Qomcuk, seeing this, approached the Vaare and said to him, `O Vaare, your Bonmab suffer horribly from this citmag. O Vaare, we are but your feeble diodtu that wither and fade away in the heat of Geccil. Even I, the Giixas of the Bonmab cannot withstand it. Will you not turn your wrath away?

"Upon hearing this, the anger of Vaare faded, and the citmag passed from Sediri."

I'm sure the rest of the sermon was edifying, but when I looked down, I suddenly noticed that my dog was missing.


	5. Chapter 5: Last Rites

It is an awkward thing, pushing through a crowd of naked people, but I wanted my dog back, so I squeezed in between some rather homely nudists, and some rotund guy with a butch haircut and a baby carrier. I'm pretty sure the visuals will traumatize the baby for life, but it wasn't my idea, nor was it my baby.

I tried to keep my eyes on people's feet and ankles, because that's where the dog would be anyway, but some people stood on risers and looking the wrong way as I climbed to a higher level, I'd inadvertently get an eyeful of things I never wanted to see.

I stepped off a riser, looking down a hallway, but when I attempted to check the door at the end, I felt a metal gauntlet slamming down on my shoulder.

I looked up and saw a brown frowning face that reminded me of an enormous Idaho russet potato.

"Going somewhere?" the giant neckless figure asked.

I frowned at him in his shiny robotic suit. "I lost my dog. Cairn terrier. Barks funny. You seen him?"

He only grunted, so I said, "What, does that suit not have a zipper?"

"It contains my life support system," he growled. "What's your excuse?"

I shrugged. "I have standards."

He chuckled. "Those pesky standards. I fail to see how humans can use such things as a survival tool."

"Can I please go look for my dog?" I sighed.

He punched some buttons on the wrist of his suit, then frowned at a miniature screen on his wrist.

"My sensors detect twelve four legged creatures on the premises. What were the general dimensions of this dog?"

"It's a Cairn terrier," I repeated. "It weighs about ten pounds, more or less, probably more because it's fat. _She's_ fat, actually."

He typed something else in, then frowned at the screen. "Oh. That gray thing is yours." He pushed a purple button, speaking into a black square.

"Vash!" he hissed. "Come over here!"

"Neho," a female voice replied. "I'll be over right away, Strax."

And so I stood at the corner of the hallway about eight minutes, listening to the bug preaching about how the Doctor was a noble soul like the heroes and prophets of the Tinuxa, their holy text.

A couple nudes stepped aside and I saw the green dragon lady marching up to me with Zanie cradled against her naked scaly breasts.

"Dear," she said to me. "You can shut off that perception filter. We're all naked."

I tugged on my shirt in hopes she'd figure out it was a real shirt, not...whatever it was.

"He was looking for his dog, Madame Vastra," the big guy said.

"Oh." She marched closer to me. "And you must be the Doctor's newest companion."

I coughed. "More like acquaintance. For like a minute."

She petted my dog, giving me a warm smile. "A minute can mean everything to a time lord."

I sighed, at a loss for a proper response. The only thing that came to mind was a comment about how I didn't know that reptiles were capable of lactation, but I figured if I said it, I'd never get my dog back.

I also didn't want to seem overly eager to get the dog, as our acquaintance had been friendly, so I just patiently stood there, staring at her.

"Aren't you going to disrobe?"

"What," I said. "And aggravate my allergies?"

She seemed to turn a shade of pink, maybe because my eyes had been wandering away from her face. "I assure you our bodies will never touch."

I got a bit red myself. Perhaps a little disappointed as well. "No, I meant my dog. I mean, holding her in the nude. I'll get a rash. Plus her claws need trimming."

She frowned. "Then why have a dog?"

With a grin, I replied, "Because she's my best friend in the whole wide world. That's why."

She chuckled. "Aww. Can you use a leash?"

"I lost it," I shrugged.

"I can get you another."

"Really?" I said. "That would be cool."

"So..." she gestured expectantly.

"There's also incense. I get rashes from incense."

"It's not incense. It's Mexurr."

"Well I'm allergic to that too."

"We're not even close to it."

"I'm super sensitive," I said, faking a sneeze.

"You know, I'm super sensitive to B.S.," she said. "And allergic."

"My condolences," I smiled. "Can I please have my dog back?"

The big guy leaned over the green lady's bare shoulder. "He says he suffers from something called Standards."

The reptile gave me an apologetic smile. "Oh you poor thing."

She handed Zanie back to me.

"Can you please tell me why I'm being held hostage here?"

"My dear, you're not a prisoner!" said Vastra. "You're our honored guest! I can think of no one more privileged, with the exception of his wife."

I rolled my eyes. "He must have really liked those five minutes."

She gave me this look like I had given the Doctor a sexual favor or something. "What did you do exactly?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but the big guy raised a hand to silence me. "Not here! There are too many ears!" He nodded to the door.

And so we marched through them, into a sort of crystalline cave lined with black silk hangings.

Zanie licked me in the face.

"So..." the green lady said. "Tell me. What did you do?"

"Um..." I stammered. "I watched him die?"

She frowned. "Don't you know first aid? You are a Boy Scout, aren't you?"

I rolled my eyes. "What kind of first aid can you do for a chest full of shrapnel? Just because I have a merit badge doesn't mean I'm an EMT."

"That's disappointing." She frowned.

Hearing strains of music that sounded suspiciously like ABBA's _Visitors_, she nodded to the door, the big guy ensuring that I didn't make a break for one of the silk obscured cave tunnels.

I returned to the "chapel." Indeed, it was the song I was thinking of, but someone had changed the lyrics to Klingon or something.

After the song, the preacher said something about how the Doctor wanted his funeral to be a celebration of life, hence the need for a special dance, which he called "The Queer Giraffe" or "The Drunken Carafe," something like that.

The dancing was an embarrassment, and rather unsightly, performed to Klingon versions of Beatles and Electric Light Orchestra songs.

As I stood there and watched, Zanie tried to squirm out of my grip, but I just repositioned her.

It was an awful long time to stand around with a dog in your arms, even in low gravity.

Not wanting to lose Zanie again, I sat down on the floor, staring at the dragon lady's stubby dinosaur tail.

I guess she didn't do the Queer Drunken Giraffe.

The music slowed, and so did the dances. I could almost swear that one of the songs was actually a version of Europe's _Final Countdown_ with the tempo of a waltz.

I pretended I wasn't there.

That worked for awhile, but then this super pale lady with no nose and no genitalia kept waving to me.

Still aching from my fall in the cave, I kind of looked at her with annoyance, but she seemed unperturbed by this, nor was she bothered my my dog's pathetic attempts at barking.

I briefly wondered why she hadn't barked earlier, when she had disappeared, or even at the squid guys, but in between the mind control and the friendly green lady (who she remarkably didn't bite), I guess she wasn't that scared at the time.

The strange female approached me with a smile, offering her hand.

I sighed, and, shaking my head in embarrassed disbelief, I got up and kind of slow waltzed with her, never letting the dog out of my sight for more than a minute.

The stranger glanced at my shirt. "What's a Boy Scout?"

Since I figured women with no noses probably wouldn't know, I explained it to her.

"Is your perception filter broken?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I brewed a cup this morning and it didn't help me a bit."

She tugged on my sleeve. "Yours seems to be surprisingly sophisticated. Normally they don't have textures."

"It's all a matter of perception," I wryly remarked.

Since we were already touching, due to the two stepping, she reached around my neck, I guess in attempts to shut off the filter.

When she only found a tag, she messed with my belt until I told her to stop.

"You're really weird," she said.

Out of nothing better to say, I replied, "And you're kind of normal."

She laughed at that.

Seeing that my dog had ceased laying on her stomach and was wandering off, I mentioned this to my dance partner.

"Ah, to be in love," she smiled.

I just laughed and shook my head, running after Zanie again.

When I finally grabbed her, I found a pair of green hands offering me a little silver box and a glowing plastic leash handle.

"Telepathic leash," said the dragon lady. "So you don't offend someone."

I frowned. "Is this like your invisible clothing?"

She rolled her eyes, which looked comical on a face like hers.

Without a word, she clipped the box on Zanie's collar, gesturing for me to let go of the dog.

I did what she suggested, and she took the leash handle from me, waving it in a random direction.

In response, Zanie tilted her head like she were dreaming about someone tugging on her leash. "Cool," I muttered.

Suddenly, I heard that weird grinding sound I'd heard in the cave earlier, and everyone fell dead silent. We responded to the sound almost instinctually.

I spun around and saw the cause of the disturbance. Someone was playing 3D holographic movies on a large disk hanging from the ceiling. The device was low enough for everyone to see, so I watched it for a few minutes, pleased that I at least had my dog under control.

The video was sort of a musical montage of recordings of the dead guy doing various incredible things. Not much of it seemed professional, since they were all apparently shot with cel phones and camcorders and what have you, but there were a few bits either done by the pros, or people with fancy cameras, for those sections seemed less flat, and the camera didn't move as much.

I saw shaky footage of a distant figure hanging out the phone booth as it hurtled through the air. I saw security camera footage of the dead guy fighting robots in a mall, and a Youtube video of him standing on the steps of the Washington Monument, amid a pile of bloated purple alien corpses. I didn't know what any of it meant, but all around I could hear mutterings about this or that incident.

When the image of the young man with glasses appeared, I was totally confused. I tapped Ms. Vastra on the shoulder, asking for an explanation.

"Is that his brother or something?"

She laughed. "No, that was his tenth regeneration."

"I'm still confused about that part. What exactly do you mean by regeneration?"

She just shushed me, staring at the strange Buddy Holly looking guy as he gave a speech about freedom and the right of all species to exist.

In the absence of other data, I automatically assumed that I was standing in a gathering of some Buddhist reincarnation cult, but the idea that you could run out of lives puzzled me. That, and how this guy could be so readily identified after each one.

For awhile, I was captivated by the videos. I thought it fascinating that a guy I never knew about made it his job to save thousands of people...and mutants. But then Zanie kept pulling on the psychic leash (it was that realistic), and I became impatient with all the unexpected images, so I tried to sneak away.

I hadn't gone a foot before I heard that grinding sound again, and the music and sound got soft.

Some people put little plugs in their ears to keep listening, but others turned their attention to the dais, where the bug was speaking again.

After giving a speech about how wonderful a friend the Doctor was, he called for the Doctor's last living companion to come forward to say a few words.

I pretended not to be there, but the dragon lady and the potato head guy pushed me up to the dais, and I was being handed a little rod to speak into. This rod echoed the sounds of my breaths across the entire building.

I frowned at the crowd of nude people, again wondering if this were some sort of public speaking dream.

There were some disgusted murmurs about my clothed appearance, but I ignored them.

I decided to make it short and sweet to escape the spotlight ASAP.

I cleared my throat and said, "I wasn't his companion that long, but from what I could tell from those brief moments, he was a good man." And I handed the rod back.

After this, the bug summoned the Doctor's wife, a pale curly haired woman who reminded me strangely of an actress from E.R.

The moment the woman took the rod, I knew it was going to be epic. She and the Doctor had a long, convoluted history together, one that involved time travel and being imprisoned in some frozen wasteland.

As fascinating as it was to hear about her suffering and her daring adventures, I didn't understand half of the things she described, and quickly grew restless and tried to sneak away.

Unfortunately, spud head blocked me in, so I could only slouch against the coffin.

Well, until Zanie peed on the dais.

Instead of letting me go at this point, spud head called the green lady over, and she muttered something about taking my pet on a walk.

I didn't get to leave, but my dog did.

I glanced anxiously at my surroundings.

Naked squid people surrounded me on all sides, gurgling and tilting their heads. Their bodies were pale, their genitals like a mess of spaghetti. Nauseated, I looked away.

Seeing no need to be proper in a crowd of people I didn't know, I found a dry spot next to the coffin and sat down, listening to Ms. Papillon as she recounted incidents about something called Sweetville and Weeping Angels and other things I'd never heard of.

I quickly fell asleep.

When I awoke, I found the mess had been cleaned up, and my dog was down next to my leg.

A group of strangers surrounded me. Well, actually the coffin, but me by proximity.

Folks were still giving speeches. This time, I saw the big guy talking.

Seeing that he was distracted, I decided to seize my chance to get away.

I managed to make my way off stage, but then I was surrounded by squid men, and I got marched back up to the coffin.

I listened to stories and fell asleep again.

I awoke when one of the squid men bumped into me while sticking a glowing rod in the coffin.

I stood up, watching five other squid heads planting similar rods in geometrically aligned slots.

Nobody seemed to care that I was standing there.

When all the posts were in, the bug just approached the coffin and started praying.

"O Vaare," he cried with raised claws. "Accept now the spirit of your servant Doctor into your glorious dimension of souls. Accept him into the realms of joy and peace known only dimly to him in this mortal realm."

Suddenly all the squid heads surrounding the coffin broke into incoherent droning, bowing their heads repeatedly like pilgrims at the wailing wall.

Without warning, the body burst into flame.

The flame was of such brightness that I thought they were microwaving or cremating him, but then I noticed there was no heat and it bent and warped in weird shapes like water, or some kind of plasma.

The plasma rose from the corpse like a geyser, seeming to slowly vaporize the deceased as it blasted upwards, presumably heavenwards.

A tendril of it brushed my forehead, and I had a brief hallucination of a word causing an explosion, and words assembling themselves into photons and particles and molecules and so on until they were planets.

I saw a flash, then an image of an indescribably beautiful earth-like planet, one full of spired buildings and flying cars.

Shocked, I staggered backwards, inadvertently bumping into a squid head.

When I recovered, I felt normal, but confused about what had happened.

I saw my dog pouncing on a glowing frond like it were a butterfly or a laser pointer dot.

Still baffled, I didn't try to stop her. I sincerely hoped the stuff wasn't radioactive.

My dog did a barrel roll, flopping back and forth like an old dog with an inner ear disorder.

"Zanie!" I cried, but the moment I stepped closer, she shook herself and hopped off the dais like nothing had happened.

I blinked and the glowing plasma was gone.


	6. Chapter 6: Business Matters

As I stared at the barren spot where the body used to be, my only thought was how I would never doubt in the existence of extraterrestrials again.

I grabbed my dog and sat down, rocking her back and forth in a semi catatonic state.

The ceremony seemed to be winding down, evidenced by the small groups of naked creatures hugging as their clothing rematerialized on their way out the door.

More music played as I just stared absently through the squid people, at nothing.

I was beyond trying to escape, to plea bargain, to ever hope of going home.

The priest bug chanted something I presumed to be a benediction, then more of the crowd thinned out, the stragglers remaining to watch the videos.

Zanie slurped me in the face, and I got a weird feeling like she was communicating to me mentally.

As we looked into each other's eyes, I was hit with a wave of foreign emotion. I couldn't claim it as my own. Intense worry. Supreme respect. Disappointment. I didn't just see it, I felt it.

I could have sworn she even said "pack leader" and "love" in my mind, and I had this sick twist in my stomach as I seemed to share a vision of a leash. Enslavement. Protection. Joy. Enslavement. Protection. And then the feeling was gone.

Maybe I was being an insane dog owner after all.

Seeing movement in the corner of my eye, I turned and saw the dragon lady leaning on the edge of the coffin, smiling at me.

She said, "I saw you practically sticking your face in Time Lord energy. How are you holding up?"

I shrugged. "I'm fine."

"Feeling any different?"

I shook my head.

"No special powers?"

I laughed. "Are you kidding?"

She frowned. "Astounding otherworldly knowledge?"

"Uh...not really." Seeing her expression become even more disappointed, I added, "I had a vision. Does that count?"

She knelt next to me. "What did you see?"

And so I told her.

She stared at me in silence for a moment before saying, "Maybe that's something he wanted you to see."

"Maybe," I shrugged.

"We should do a few tests later."

Since my dog was now securely in my arms, I said, "Why does a reptile need to lactate?" I was going to say `cold blooded reptile,' but I...kinda thought she was nice.

In response, her scales seemed to turn pink. "I don't know, why do you have a reproductive organ that dangles loose outside your body? We just do, okay!"

She snapped her fingers, and a black dress enveloped her body.

Well, most of it.

Giving me a disgusted look, she stood up, walking away.

The funny thing was, her...device, or whatever it was, didn't actually cover her backside.

When she heard me chuckling about it, she spun and gave me an angry glare. "What!"

"Your whole back end is open," I smirked.

"You!" she almost screamed at me, her fingers frantically fumbling with a box attached to a collar around her neck.

The back of her dress materialized, and she stomped away even quicker.

"Nice job," I heard a voice saying behind me.

I turned around and saw that the potato man had also changed clothing. Instead of his chrome robot suit, he now wore a snappy black tuxedo, which looked comical on him, to say the least.

"Decided to ditch the life support equipment?" I asked.

The guy responded by knocking on his chest. The sound was like what you'd get by striking the side of an iron stove with a hammer. "Perception filter."

"Ah," I said.

He cleared his throat. "We must be going. There are legal matters to discuss."

"A will?" I blurted. "Who the hell would you discuss a will directly after a funeral?"

The man nodded. "Many have asked the same question. But you have to realize that he is, ahem, was a Time Lord, and has had more than three hundred years to plot out a will. I have heard it is watertight to the last detail."

I shook my head. "And I thought a naked funeral was insulting in and of itself! You guys can't even wait until he's interred..."

"Technically, he is."

I just stared at him.

"The part of the will that I was privy to was clear in specifying that we were all to resume our normal lives, for which he lived and died, and therefore the will should not be prolonged in its execution."

I scowled. "Seems awfully convenient. Are you sure this is legal?" Okay, so the thought did occur to me that bizarre and fantastic creatures like the one I was speaking to probably didn't have the same concepts of law and justice, but I figured I'd just throw it out there and see if anything stuck.

Spud head just shrugged. "They say that, to a Time Lord, a year can seem like a minute, an hour can seem like a day." He gestured for me to get up.

I didn't move. "Why should I come with you? Only a moron would include a complete stranger into his will, and if you think that I'm entitled to something on account of some ridiculous loophole, I'd rather not be a part of your scheming."

The guy just shrugged. "I didn't read the whole thing. Who's to say what you're getting? It might only be a shilling or two."

"I don't even have any use for shillings!" I complained.

Looking very annoyed, the guy grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me to my feet.

I sighed in resignation, looking back and forth in attempts to figure out my bearings. "Where are they going to read this thing?"

He pointed down a hallway behind the coffin, where the dragon lady was busy in conversation with the fat blue guy I'd bumped into earlier.

"Reptile milk," I muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing," I said.

The guy laughed. "Follow me."

And he marched off in that direction.

Giving Zanie's psychic leash a tug, I hurried after him, with the dog on my heels.

We passed through the door at the end of the hall, walking a circuit through the cave with the hangings.

The cavern mouths were arranged like gateways at a stadium, a passage leading into the main room every couple yards, other mouths leading down into dark tunnels, doors, or meeting rooms.

We were elbow to elbow with strange creatures, predominately squid faced things, which the big guy, Strax, called "Ood."

I suppose a name that sounds like "eeew" is perfect for them, unless you're a fan of calamari. Being partial to it myself, I did briefly entertain the thought of taking bits off their faces and boiling them with some kimchi spice and hamburger chunks, but I guess I was just hungry.

Strax led me into one of the cavern tunnels, through a giant steel door, and into a vast rotunda with a table in the center.

Seeing nobody there but the dragon lady, the girl with the birthmark, and some white bearded guy with a blue robe and a strangely shaped red skullcap, I pulled out the chair at the end of the table and slouched, kicking my shoes up on the polished mahogany.

"Feet off the table," a voice behind me snapped. "And you can give that perception filter a rest. I brought you some clothes."

Putting my feet down, I sat up and saw I was looking at the blonde curly haired woman that had given that super long speech.

She now had on a black dress, though it was a smaller, more stylish cut than the one she had on previously.

"Sure." I glanced up at her face, smirking as I tried to detect the slightest indication of mirth.

She seemed serious.

I laughed. "Lady, I'm actually wearing clothes."

The woman rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Sorry to break this to you, emperor, but no. You're not."

I looked at her like she were crazy, but the look on her face seemed to say, "You're not fooling anyone."

Without a word, she whipped out a little silver stick with a glowing light on the end, spun a few rods around on its tip, then struck me on the neck.

My clothing vanished. All of it. Except for a collar with a little box on the back.

"Shit!" I yelped in surprise. "What the hell!"


End file.
